Life is full of lessons, an ongoing masterclass in the human condition.
One lesson common to humanity is how to negotiate conflict skillfully.
In a keynote speech to graduate students in conflict analysis, international mediator Kenneth Cloke (2011) made a profound statement that has stayed with me to this day: “Conflict is the arrow pointing to what we need to learn the most.”
Interpersonal skills such as conflict resolution extend beyond social circles, affecting the workplace and illuminating lessons yet to be learned.
American businesses lose $359 billion yearly due to unresolved conflict and low productivity (Kauth, 2020). The physical, emotional, psychological, and interpersonal tolls are incalculable.
Can we seek a better understanding of conflict and transform its devastating effects?
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Pruitt and Kim (2004, pp. 7–8) describe conflict as “perceived divergence of interest, a belief that the parties’ current aspirations are incompatible.”
Conflict resolution is an agreement reached when all or most of the issues of contention are cleared up (Pruitt & Kim, 2004).
Further, conflict management is a product of successful problem-solving in which the parties have worked out ways to de-escalate conflict and avoid future escalations.
Conflict can be disruptive and, at worst, destructive. Once it erupts, it’s hard to control (Bolton, 1986). Emotions run high during conflict, blocking the path to rational solutions.
Conflict resolution is important because “when people experience conflicts, much of their energy goes into emotions related to those conflicts” (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011, p. 2).
Some emotions commonly associated with conflict include fear, anger, distrust, rejection, defensiveness, hopelessness, resentment, and stress (Wilmot & Hocker, 2011; Bolton, 1986).
Another reason conflict resolution is important is because people involved in heavily contentious conflict are likely to experience “a wide range of psychological and physical health problems including weakened immune system, depression, alcoholism, and eating disorders” (Pruitt & Kim, 2004, pp. 11–12).
Clearly, languishing in this state of emotional upheaval and chaos is harmful emotionally, physically, and psychologically.
Realistic conflict theory assumes “conflict can always be explained by some tangible (like territory, money, prizes) or intangible (like power, prestige, honor) resource that is desired by both groups and is in short supply” (Pruitt & Kim, 2004, pp. 28–29).
This theory attempts to explain why conflict occurs as humans perpetually strive to acquire perceived needs.
When emotions run high, stress ensues and rational problem-solving is at risk.
Cortisol released because of ongoing stress soaks the brain’s nerve cells, causing memories to shrink (Leaf, 2008).
This affects the ability to think creatively, a helpful component for resolution.
In addition, the stress response increases blood sugar levels, speeding up our heart rate to pump blood to our arms, legs, and brain in preparation to escape (Leaf, 2008). This physiological fight-or-flight reaction saps precious energy.
Dealing with emotions first will help reduce emotional arousal and stress. Once the body returns to normal, rational problem-solving skills can resume. Typically, people get into trouble when they address conflict at the peak of emotional arousal.
For this reason, acknowledge that the issue needs to be addressed but wait until emotions subside before engaging in a discussion. This ensures the issue is not ignored. In other words, conflict can be scheduled.
Some psychological benefits of conflict resolution include (Arslan, Hamarta, & Usla, 2010; Sexton & Orchard, 2016; Bolton, 1986):
Let’s take a quick look at two of the most common benefits.
Self-efficacy is a person’s belief in their capability to complete a specific task successfully (Lunenburg, 2011). Learning and practicing skills such as effective communication and conflict resolution are essential building blocks for self-efficacy. Successful conflict resolution skills in the workplace increase confidence, promoting the likelihood of future successes (Lunenburg, 2011).
Increased self-efficacy “influences the tasks employees choose to learn and the goals they set for themselves” (Lunenburg, 2011, p. 1). It also influences employees’ efforts and perseverance when taking on and learning new tasks (Lunenburg, 2011).
Sometimes you have to expend energy to gain energy. Conflict robs individuals and organizations of precious energy. Mastering conflict resolution skills takes energy initially but can save energy in the long run through reduced stress and improved relationships and productivity.
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To reap the benefits of resolving conflict, certain helpful skills must be applied, and there are many conflict resolution skills that are effective for the workplace.
Below are skills believed to be crucial for resolving conflict.
Self-awareness is described by Goleman (1995, p. 43) as “recognizing a feeling as it happens.” Goleman states that people with high self-awareness have moment-to-moment awareness and navigate life adeptly.
Self-control is the ability to manage unruly impulses and emotions effectively. Because emotions play a central role in conflict, the ability to stay composed despite heightened emotions is essential to constructive resolution.
Bolton (1986) describes assertive communication as a dynamic communication style in which the speaker maintains self-respect, expresses personal needs, and defends their own rights without abusing or dominating others.
While an aggressive communication style may shut down a conversation, assertiveness encourages dialogue. This skill takes practice and courage. Bolton (1986) asserts that less than 5% of the population communicates assertively.
According to Folger, Poole, and Stutman (2009), the goal of collaboration is to consider all the important needs of the primary parties and develop a solution that meets these needs.
Problem-solving in relation to conflict resolution is a strategy that pursues alternative solutions that satisfy the needs and goals of the parties involved (Pruitt & Kim, 2004).
According to Sorensen (2017), empathy is the ability to share and understand the emotions and feelings of others. Our understanding of another person’s perspective can increase the likelihood of emotional connection and collaboration.
Active listening is one of the most underrated and underutilized conflict resolution skills. Listening during conflict achieves key goals, primarily putting an end to cyclical arguing and opening the door to empathy and understanding.
Bolton (1986) provides simple frameworks for conflict resolution and collaborative problem-solving, and outlines the contexts for applying each.
This simple, three-step formula for conflict resolution works well for conflicts involving values and intense emotions.
Respect is an attitude shown through specific behaviors, such as how you look at the other person, how you listen, your tone of voice, and word choices.
The goal of listening in this manner is to understand the content of the other person’s ideas or contributions, what it means for them, and their feelings about it.
Assertive communication works well in this stage. Some caveats accompany this stage of conflict resolution:
Bolton (1986) provides a six-step outline for collaboration when the issue is more about needs than emotions.
The conflict resolution method and collaborative problem-solving are generalized approaches to conflict resolution when two or more parties are willing to work together on an issue.
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Lipsky, Seeber, and Fincher (2003) provide approaches to work through issues that erupt in work settings.
This generalized philosophy is intended to show that management supports open dialogue and encourages staff to discuss differences that arise in the workplace. It is considered an initial step toward conflict resolution.
These are neutral or impartial managers who provide informal and confidential assistance to staff and management in order to resolve work-related disputes. Ombudspersons may wear a variety of hats, including mediator, fact-finder, consultant, and change agent.
Some organizations call on designated employees as mediators to help resolve conflict. This method often addresses issues of a non-statutory nature, such as unfairness.
The success of this method rests on the careful selection of peer mediators based on their exemplary communication skills and abilities.
Professional mediators are not connected with the organization in any way and function as independent, impartial, third parties who assist the primary parties through a formal mediation process.
Mediation is a viable option for creating structure to conflict resolution in an unbiased manner.
This process is sometimes used by manufacturing organizations in an effort to avoid a union process. The underlying belief is that if at all possible, employee disputes should be resolved internally.
This method provides an opportunity for employees to present their claims to a panel of the organization’s senior executives, assuming they will be objective and sympathetic.
Using tools such as questionnaires, activities, and assessments can help employees work through conflict by adding insight and skills to the equation. Let’s look at some such tools.
The use of tools to steer and manage conflict can help provide a level of awareness of common issues confronted by teams.
Often, people haven’t been taught the skills to discuss issues calmly and productively. The following worksheets can be used to provide structure to conflict.
Reviewing these worksheets before conflict erupts is a great opportunity to open a conversation and agree upon a conflict resolution process before matters spiral out of control.
The Remaining Calm During Conflict – I worksheet helps clients walk through conflict, providing tips on how to perceive conflict and deal with emotional reactions.
The Remaining Calm During Conflict – II worksheet encourages clients to journal about times when they did and did not remain calm during a workplace conflict.
This self-assessment provided by CINERGY™ can be used to broaden the scope of awareness of ourselves and others, particularly during conflict. The assessment measures an individual’s current level of conflict intelligence.
This Conflict Management Styles Assessment, made available by the Blake Group, allows clients to uncover their primary conflict style and includes a description of the five conflict management styles.
This video provides an insightful awareness of our own habitual patterns and how these manifest in us and others during conflict.
Here is another recommended video that helps visualize how to prepare for conflict and build boundaries with others in a calm manner.
The Two Dollar Game was developed to help employees learn basic conflict styles and the art of negotiation in a fun, thoughtful way.
This conflict management template created by the University of Iowa is intended to deal with conflict in a university setting but can easily apply to other teams or departments and used as an intuitive conflict mapping guide.
This workbook by Leutenberg and Liptak contains activities, assessments, journaling prompts, and educational handouts that can be photocopied and used to address conflict in the workplace.
Chapters contain resources about how to deal with workplace stress, different personalities, work habits, and relationships.
The website Online Master of Legal Studies includes a wealth of Free Tools and Resources for Conflict Resolution. Some resources have been incorporated into this blog.
The wide variety of resources include a Cost of Conflict Calculator and tools to enhance cross-cultural communication.
In this Assertive Message Role-Play, participants are presented with various workplace scenarios and encouraged to formulate assertive messages to initiate a discussion about the problem at hand.
Some books are classics.
This one has been used for years to help guide individuals through the communication and conflict resolution process.
It’s a great resource for anyone interested in building robust interpersonal skills.
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This is a useful resource for incorporating activities and games to help employees listen to each other, engage productively, and create a culture of respect.
Topics include conflict, communication, diversity, trust, perspectives, emotional intelligence, and collaboration.
Find the book on Amazon.
The authors walk readers through the emergence of conflict in the workplace by creating dispute resolution systems for integration in a corporate setting.
This is a helpful resource for managers and corporate leaders interested in reducing the corporate costs of conflict.
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Crucial Conversations is a New York Times bestseller that provides tools to traverse difficult and important conversations.
Ideas discussed in this book can help transform your career, organization, and community.
Readers learn how to listen and speak in ways that create safety and inclusion.
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The worksheet reviews eight essential skills for active listening and includes a reflection exercise to evaluate which skills we use effectively and which can be strengthened.
Trust is a crucial element of team stability and is essential when conflict erupts. In this exercise, one person leads a blindfolded partner using simple statements. As trust builds, the duo can be instructed to speed up, slow down, or attempt to lead with silence.
Conflict divides. The effects of poorly handled conflict range from disruptive to destructive. It robs individuals and organizations of precious resources, such as energy, productivity, peace, and harmony.
Regardless of our station in life, we all still have lessons to learn.
Will we ever be free of conflict? Perhaps we can look at it another way. As we gain skills and experience successes resolving conflict, we can anticipate the next conflict and the next lesson, mindful of the potential wisdom and strengths we’ll gain in the process.
Are you facing an unresolved conflict at work or in your personal life? Try not to be discouraged; instead, think of it as your next life lesson waiting to be discovered.
We hope you enjoyed reading this article. Don’t forget to download our three Work & Career Coaching Exercises for free.
ReferencesDr. Chris Wilson holds a Ph.D. in conflict analysis and resolution and specializes in relationships, boundaries, and self-limiting mindsets as a coach. She’s passionate about people and partners with them to figure out how to change what isn't working and move toward a life of fulfillment.
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This is probably the most complete, and beneficial articles I have read about conflict resolution in a long while. Dr. Wilson has seamlessly woven all the important pieces of information, tools, and further readings for us. What a joy to read! Reply
Beth Beiber on March 21, 2022 at 18:07The post is helpful for many working people as scaling down such nasty situations is the best course of action. There are many interesting aspects about human coalitional psychology in Albuquerque, NM, that many are unaware of and are something you need to know. Reply
